New Year's day was as shitty as I expected it to be. Yet another year of being depressed and crying with sheer unhappiness and vexation at how my life has become. I didn't expect this when I left college. If you had said to 21 year old Davina that 31 year old Davina would be a complete sad sap stuck in a shitty situation, she would have laughed in your face and told you to shut up, that's never happening to me. I miss that old me. The one who went out and did what she wanted. Not bogged down by work and lack of cash, imprisoned in a round of falling into bed before falling out and working 12 hours a day. I'm so exhausted and worn out on my days off, no wonder I get sick all the time. I seriously think I need some kind of therapy or antidepressants because things are getting bad. I can't function, or barely. I'm sick of being lonely and unloved. It's over ten years since I had any romance, or any action at all.
I need to make a decision on whether I'm actually doing this Milwordy challenge. I know it's pretty much impossible. I also know I'm running on empty this year and making myself ill in the process. I have tons to do re: the Alternative content season. But I just want to achieve something and do more writing. How can I call myself a writer if I don't write . I'm just not sure that it's worth the sacrifice any more to be honest. For love nor money I can't get any feedback; I'm just writing in a void which is bad. I need someone to help me get better and stop me getting paranoid about whether I'm just writing absolute shit. I haven't seen my friends for months. It'll be a wonder if I have them any more.
I'd also love to do more reading. I have quite a collection of ebooks that I need to get through this year. Lots of random old classics from Manybooks.net, which I'm really looking forward to reading.
I miss my singing. I haven't sung seriously for over a year. Not even karaoke, not since the disastrous birthday party where I paid £200 so no one turned up. That was damned depressing, I can tell you. I'm going to sing more and get one of those breathing trainers. It about time I sorted out my breath control, which has always been one of my weaknesses.
Sorry for being a Negative nelly, but things have just been getting on top of me lately and I just needed to vent.
