I haven't posted here for ages. I'm really sorry. I haven't abandoned this space not at all. I just don't feel I have enough time to blog regularly, although I'm trying to get better. No one ever reads this anyway , so heaven knows why I'm apologising.

I have a Tumblr now so that that's useful. Lots of pics and videos of things that appeal to me. I think it gives you a better impression of the things that interest me.

I also have a Goodreads account. I've been trying top document what books I have been reading this year and keep a track of it.

New Year: why I do bother?

New Year's day was as shitty as I expected it to be. Yet another year of being depressed and crying with sheer unhappiness and vexation at how my life has become. I didn't expect this when I left college. If you had said to 21 year old Davina that 31 year old Davina would be a complete sad sap stuck in a shitty situation, she would have laughed in your face and told you to shut up, that's never happening to me. I miss that old me. The one who went out and did what she wanted. Not bogged down by work and lack of cash, imprisoned in a round of falling into bed before falling out and working 12 hours a day. I'm so exhausted and worn out on my days off, no wonder I get sick all the time. I seriously think I need some kind of therapy or antidepressants because things are getting bad. I can't function, or barely. I'm sick of being lonely and unloved. It's over ten years since I had any romance, or any action at all.

I need to make a decision on whether I'm actually doing this Milwordy challenge. I know it's pretty much impossible. I also know I'm running on empty this year and making myself ill in the process. I have tons to do re: the Alternative content season. But I just want to achieve something and do more writing. How can I call myself a writer if I don't write . I'm just not sure that it's worth the sacrifice any more to be honest. For love nor money I can't get any feedback; I'm just writing in a void which is bad. I need someone to help me get better and stop me getting paranoid about whether I'm just writing absolute shit. I haven't seen my friends for months. It'll be a wonder if I have them any more.

I'd also love to do more reading. I have quite a collection of ebooks that I need to get through this year. Lots of random old classics from Manybooks.net, which I'm really looking forward to reading.

I miss my singing. I haven't sung seriously for over a year. Not even karaoke, not since the disastrous birthday party where I paid £200 so no one turned up. That was damned depressing, I can tell you. I'm going to sing more and get one of those breathing trainers. It about time I sorted out my breath control, which has always been one of my weaknesses.

Sorry for being a Negative nelly, but things have just been getting on top of me lately and I just needed to vent.

Xmas Day - the aftermath

Today was a bit of an anti-climax. I had work, which I had to force myself to go to as I'd lost my voice. Eventually I got sent home from paybox. I still can't believe how many people come into a cinema on Boxing Day. All watching 'Sherlock Holmes' which I'm still thinking about whether I should go in and watch it. I really can't watch Jude Law in anything. He's just one of those actors I cannot abide. But it has Robert Downey Jr, and he's always good value, and Rachel Mc Adams. I'm conflicted!

I don't know whether I'm doing something wrong , but my plays aren't scrobbling on LastFM which is slightly annoying. I've also worked out that the iPod earphones are the ones I have to stick to as I swopped them for the Skullcandy ones on the way to work and let's just say that the result was a tad underwhelming.

So far I'm still behind on my target of 100k,which is a bit worrying. I'm currently at 93k. Time to get my head down and concentrate. I'll switch to a couple of new projects , just to not make things stale for Milwordy.

That reminds me : I need to make a massive post on LiveJournal with all my pitches and plot bunnies for this Milwordy thing. I had a nosey round a site called languageisavirus.com and it had a lot of useful ideas and prompts for things. I want to try writing unusual things in a different style. Try out some new things and challenges. I might as well, seeing as I have to fill 1,000,000 words in a year.

I still think this is crazy but since they always say that you need to write millions of not good words before gaining writing skills perhaps this will help me get better at writing. At the very least I'll be decent at typing at the end of this.

Xmas Post!

So, Christmas is pretty much done and dusted for the year. I was very contented by my haul of presents. An iPod Nano from my sister, which I wanted for ages but never got my arse into gear to actually get and some perfume from my brother. Plus Season Three of 'The Tudors' which I bought as an indulgence. Way better than the frankly insulting present from the Secret Santa. Who gives someone deodorant for a present and expects them to be happy about it? I mean, seriously! Get a clue, mate!

I'm preparing for Milwordy this year so I'm compiling tons of ideas for pieces. It's a lot of words and a big ask but I'm going to give it my best shot. I really want to step my writing up a notch. I dunno if I could write for a living. I'd love to obviously as it's one of the few things I enjoy and am not too bad at, but I have no idea if I'm talented enough. I'm going to start on Jan 1 for a whole year.

This is why I stay at home

The last couple of days have been very busy with 'The Nutcracker' at work and the staff party. I dragged myself to go and to be honest it was a bit of a waste of time. I think I just despise social gatherings. It was cold and wet which doesn't exactly encourage me to want to venture out.

I'm still editing bits of 'The Poignard'. My goal is to reach 100k by xmas. I have a feeling this is going to be long though as I feel I haven't really explored the relationships within the story very well. I need more Brad/Nate stuff, more about Madeleine. It's an epic mess at the moment, virtual sticky notes and different coloured sections galore. I have no idea how long it's going to take me to rewrite and make it good

Long Day!

Today was long and frustrating. I was at work all day and it sucked as I pretty much expected to. On the other hand I was very happy when I found a gorgeous bunch of La Reine Margot icons which I nabbed. I really want to rewatch the film when I get a moment.

It;s really going to help with inspiration for the fic. God knows I need it at the moment. I feel like I'm losing momentum. I 'm worried that it's meant to be a Brad/Nate fic and so far there's not that much of their relationship so far. I've managed to get some Ray/ Walt going on and all things considered it could have been worse. There's more Margot/Nate at the moment which isn't good. Oh the plot holes ion this are epic. I wonder whether I've bitten off more than I can chew.

Day off

I'm taking it easy today and finally sorting out my hair. I really need to finish it as I'm heartily sick of the half blonde scrappy thing I've had on my head since summer. I want it to be long black and straight with a fringe. A more polished image is needed. I know I always say that and it never happens , but I'm a bit sick of looking like a bag lady. Some new clothes would come in useful as well. I think I'll take advantage of the New Year's sales and invest in some new clothes. I also need to sort out my wardrobe as well. I did try , but doing laundry in my house is a bit of a drama, and I really do not need that.

I'm considering getting someone to cover one of my shifts at work. I suppose I'm just being well lazy but I just don't want to be there all the time. There has to be some balance which I feel is sorely lacking. No wonder it's taken me so long to sort essentials like my hair out when I feel like I roll out of bed to go to work, do a bit of writing and then fall back in to rinse and repeat. thing definitely have to change next year , and for the better. I want more work/life balance. I wouldn't mind so much if I was fulfilled and my career was going great guns, but let's face it, it's not. I'm pretty much stuck in what I know is a dead end job with people who don't respect me, and a constant lack of funds. I hate running out of cash a week into the pay cycle and thinking: 'Oh no, I have to starve for three weeks!'

I'm still slogging away on the Nano novel. I really must make an effort to finish some of my WIPs next year. I just wish more than anything I could get hold of a beta. I seem to have real problems establishing a long term relationship with someone reliable to help me. This is the second time someone has flaked out on me, and it's starting to worry me. Is my writing so appalling they can't be bothered? At the very least they should at least write to say they're not interested any more , instead of not replying any more for months on end. I feel like I'm staying up late sacrificing my time and energy and getting nothing back in return.

I haven't really bought any albums lately, lack of cash to be honest, but I really like Amberian Dawn who are a Finnish female fronted metal band with operatic vocals. They remind me Oceanborn era Nightwish but with very mythological based lyrics. Heidi Parvianen's voice is gorgeous. Love it.

Diablo Swing Orchestra are a bit eclectic and avant-garde but there's some great vocals.

The new Epica is very good, Simone Simons is improving by leaps and bounds every album. I remember hearing 'Consign to Oblivion' and finding her a bit hit and miss compared to Tarja who I utterly stanned at the time. But the last two albums have really impressed me. I'm going to have to invest as soon as I get some decent money. If only I didn't have to shell out £270 of my wages before I even see it!